Thank you, President Obama! Really. Sincerely.

On this crisp January morning, the day of Barack Hussein Obama’s second inauguration (or his second coming, as Newsweek would have it), we find it pertinent to send a message of thanks to our enlightened and benevolent ruler for everything he has done for his humble subjects during his first term in office.

1. We thank you for helping put more guns than ever before in the hands of American citizens. We are especially grateful for your proactive approach to promoting America’s favorite rifle. Many who thought the black rifle was just an expensive toy, now find it to be an indispensable tool. In fact, no one in the history of this nation has done more to popularize modern semi-automatic firearms than you have, Mr. President!
2. We thank you for saving the American gun makers and gun dealers who, for decades, have been struggling just to stay in business. The meager profit margins and the staggering inventory costs are a thing of the past thanks to you! It looks like your very own, personal stimulus package aimed straight for the heart of the firearms industry. Even if it wasn’t exactly the heart you were aiming at, we are just as grateful.
3. We thank you for your contribution to science. You put ancient alchemists to shame by turning brass and lead into gold, but this was just the beginning. You did the same for steel and aluminum scrap! Old GI magazines sell for hundreds and rusty AKs for thousands of dollars. The philosopher’s stone? The Midas touch? The Nobel Prize in chemistry and in physics would hardly offer enough recognition for such an accomplishment. You truly are a miracle maker, Mr. President.
4. We thank you for making millions of disinterested and apathetic citizens politically aware and active again. They have heard your voice and they have spoken. Even more than your words, it is your actions that have “awakened a sleeping giant and filled him with a terrible resolve.” We are the giant and we shall not cease until this wave of attacks on our God-given and constitutionally guaranteed rights has been repelled. The never-ending emergency that your presidency has brought about has been wearing us down. We are tired of writing letters and making phone calls to those whom we pay to serve us. Most of all, we are tired of not knowing what the next day will bring. We have lost many battles and are bound to lose many more, but every defeat makes our resolve ever stronger. There is no turning back and for that we are thankful, Mr. President.
5. We thank you for your help in identifying our friends and in exposing our foes. Those who stand with us in this fight have earned our gratitude and respect. Those who have sold us out in the hour of need will not be forgiven and their deeds will not be forgotten. Our rights are not for sale and they are not subject to compromise. We would rather fight and lose than willingly trade our freedoms for the scraps from our master’s table. Thank you for showing us, Mr. President, that choosing evil is never the right thing to do, even if it happens to be the lesser evil.
6. We thank you for all you have done to grow the ranks of the gun-rights organizations and shooting clubs. In particular, we are thankful for the young people who have joined, as it makes us confident our values and our way of life shall live on.
7. We thank you for helping us make new friends and for bringing our families and our communities together. Nothing unites like a common cause one is passionate about.  Late night conversations on politics, preparing for events, writing letters to the elected officials, or making rally signs are just a few examples of good, clean family fun. As an internationally recognized expert on “community organizing,” you have been able to bring together individuals who have little in common other than their shared love of freedom. In what seems like an impossible task, you have managed to unite the people while dividing the nation.
8. We thank you for promoting “domestic tranquility” in American families. It was not uncommon for spouses to view firearms-related purchases as unnecessary, which frequently resulted in marital conflict. Thanks to your policies, spouses no longer object to our stockpiling of guns and ammunition, no matter how extreme it becomes.
9. We thank you for helping us improve our health. All those rallies and marches, not to mention hunting and the time spent on outdoor ranges, give us a precious opportunity to exercise outdoors. Isn’t it what Michelle would want us to do? Since individualism does not seem to appeal to you and we do not want to disappoint, we promise to start some community vegetable gardens once we get better organized.
10. We thank you for making us take the time to study the very Constitution you swore to defend. As a self-proclaimed “constitutional scholar” and “professor” of constitutional law, you should be able to appreciate our interest.

At a time when so many ungrateful citizens fail to appreciate your wisdom and dare to voice disapproval of your actions, we wish to thank you for all you have done to support and to promote firearm ownership in this country and for making us determined never to give up our rights.