Hello, my name is Irving Paul Standly and my pronouns are she/her.
I’m going to lose my job soon. I’m one of the Government workers getting fired by Elon Musk and his DOGE. Before I start, let me tell you a little about myself.
I attended college for 7 years at the University of California, Berkeley. I graduated with a Bachelor’s Degree in Cultural Studies and an Associate Degree in Art History in 2021.
During my seven years getting my bachelor’s degree, I had to take some student loans as I ran out of free grants. Fortunately, I managed to keep my loans at only $224,000. Some of my fellow comrades had over $300,000 in loans.
Our wonderful President Joe Biden signed a Presidential Order canceling them. I thought I wouldn’t have to pay the money back but something happened to my Student Relief and it didn’t go through. I was devastated when I learned I would still have to pay back my loans! It’s just not fair! Clearly those fascists on the Supreme Court have no heart. They could have helped us wipe away our student loans so we wouldn’t have to make those payments for the next 40 years.
I was very smart about saving money by staying at my very parents house while I went to college. Honestly I didn’t have a choice as Taco Bell only would give me about 12 hours of work a week before they let me go for bogus reasons. Thanksfully I could do most of my courses online from home. My Taco Bell checks didn’t go far at the local dispensary and I didn’t really have the gas to commute to campus.
It all worked out though because I really couldn’t work taking as many as 2 classes per week. That class load was hard! Then I began suffering from a stress related illness. College was so stressful it made me ill. It was a very traumatic time for me! So traumatic and stressful, I couldn’t work and had to sign up for SS disability.
After college the job market was tough and I couldn’t get a job in my field anywhere. I applied to two different companies I wanted to work at but heard nothing back from them. In early 2024 I applied online for a job with the Federal Government. Shortly after I was hired! I didn’t even have to go in for an interview in person! I think explaining to them how I was a two-gender, free-spirit transgendered person really helped me. Long live Diversity, Equity and Inclusion!
Maybe I should have said I was a Native American for those other two companies. It worked for Elizabeth Warren, after all.
The bottom line though: I worked hard getting this job. It was my dream job!
So what’s this job I got? I’m working for the Department of USAID doing important field research. I’m currently deployed in Barbados down in the Caribbean. It is a beautiful place down here.
It was kind of a hardship moving here, but they gave me a moving allowance and the best part? I got away from all those gun-toting rednecks in rural Champaign County, Illinois. They even have highways signs intimidating students and parents as they come to the University of Illinois. Sign slogans like “Roses are red, my gun is blue, I sleep safe, how about you?” Are you freaking kidding me? Don’t those Neanderthals know that a gun in the home is like 143 times more likely to be used against you? You don’t sleep safe with guns in the home.
They are put up by some group that calls itself “Guns Save Life.” Now there’s an oxymoron of morons. Christ, you can’t fix stupid racist rednecks. They probably carry their Bibles around all the time and go to church on Sunday before they go drinking and shooting, whooping it up like a bunch of lunatics in the Wild West.
Anyway, it’s so peaceful here without guns in every home.
My super important field research is just getting started. I am currently researching viable sites for a very important study. Once the site is selected, we can begin the research.
I’m one of 5 who will be studying the age old question, “How much wood could a Woodchuck chuck if a Woodchuck could chuck wood?”
It’s a very difficult situation as Barbados has no woodchucks.
I know. That’s okay. We imported some. Currently we have 23 Woodchucks in Barbados ready for the study to begin once I have the site selected.
A couple of them chewed their way through the wooden fencing at their temporary holding location. That’s okay. We’ve got 18 left. We hired some locals to find the other five but I think they’re milking their salaries for all its worth. This isn’t that big of an island for Christ’s sake.
Also since Barbados lacks wood that’s indigenous to the Woodchucks, so we had to import massive quantities of that too. “‘Merica!” like those ignorant NASCAR fans might say.
There was also a secondary study scheduled to begin after the initial study was complete. The second study was, “What effect does Global Warming have on a Woodchucks ability to chuck wood?” This secondary study was to last for 3 years with a high possibility of being renewed for another 8 years.
My life partners Carlos (he, him) and Sophie (he’s a post-top surgery he, him, but sometimes I accidentally refer to him as a her and he gets mad) and I wanted to be a married poly throuple down here in this paradise but with the funding cuts, my life is upended. I will have to return to the United States and Carlos and Sophie will have to remain behind. Since Carlos has already been deported from the United States once before, he is unable to come back to the US. And Sophie won’t be able to get her his drugs for free anymore.
My illness has returned worse than ever. I doubt very much that I’ll be able to hold a job again. I think I have PTSD! The trauma incurred from getting fired and losing Carlos and Sophie is more than I can handle!
I am so heartbroken! I wanted to appeal to good, sensible people! Elon Musk must be removed as he is NOT an elected official and continues ruining good peoples lives.
Please call and or write your Congressional representative to demand all funding for these important studies and programs be reinstated at once! Elon Musk and DOGE must be stopped before more damage is done! Reinstating funding to these critical studies is imperative to the research community. We must all fight against Global Warming and it’s effects on all the planet’s inhabitants.
Ms. Irving Paul Standly
Barbados
Barbados
My thoughts and prayers go out to they/them.
I almost thought this was an actual person’s letter and started to skip it. This was a parody, right?